The funny

If you’re going to rob a guy, make sure it’s not a US Marine.

This story was brought to me via Facebook and might possibly claim the 2011 Facebook wall entry of the year. Since it contains no names and no locations for me to change, it has been reproduced below exactly as it was originally written.

To the guy who tried to rob me night before last:

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded I hand over, just after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend’s purse and earrings. I’d like to apologize to you for your embarrassment.

I didn’t expect you to actually shit your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket…..the evening was not that cold but I was wearing the jacket for a reason….my girlfriend was very happy that I had just returned from my 2nd tour as a combat marine in Afghanistan. She had just bought me that Kimber Custom model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had just picked up a shoulder holster for it earlier that very same evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, isn’t it?………….

I know it probably wasn’t fun walking back to wherever you came from with that brown sludge in your pants. I’m sure it was even worse walking barefooted since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me (so you couldn’t call or run to your buddies to help you mug us again)…….

After I called your mother or “Momma” as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you had done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people who were at the gas station with the cash that was in your wallet (you must have had a busy night mugging). Everyone was extremely grateful for your gift of free gas. I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside of Vinnie Vans go-go along with your food stamp card that was in your wallet. Then I threw your wallet into the big pink “Pimp Mobile” that was parked at the curb….after I broke the windshield, smashed the passenger side window and keyed the entire driver’s side of the car………

Later, I made two threatening phone calls to the District Attorney’s office and the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as a possible target. The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (my guess is he was keeping me on the line while they traced the number)

I want to wish you good luck in your future endeavors and to remind you that next time you might not meet a guy quite as nice as me when you try to mug him. Have a good day. Semper fidelis.

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One Response to “If you’re going to rob a guy, make sure it’s not a US Marine.”

  1. On December 7, 2011 at 2:16 am Robert Kelly responded with... #

    Another bad choice….trying to mug an MMA Fighter.

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